Some little girls dream about being a singer, a doctor, or an astronaut when they grow up. And then others like me are just created with the innate desire to nurture and love, and dream of nothing more than being a wife and a mommy someday.
I’ve planned more imaginary weddings than I can count, dreaming of the day that I would get to walk down the aisle in real life. But even as I write that sentence, tears fill my eyes, because I don’t know that God will ever fulfill that desire.
They say singleness is a gift. But let me tell you, often times it feels like more of a curse than a gift.
I’ve been looking for Mr. Right since I stepped foot on OSU’s campus my freshman year of college. Maybe I’d meet him in one of my classes? Or maybe we would serve together at church? Maybe he would live down the hall? Out of all of the students at OSU, I had to be able to find someone in my four years there, right?!
Slowly but surely, all of my friends started dating… Then they started getting married… Now they’re having babies. And here I am, still hanging out on my own. Not only have I not found Mr. Right, I’ve never even been on a date! And for someone who wants nothing more than to be a wife and a mom, that’s pretty embarrassing and incredibly sad.
A little part of me is thankful for this. Thankful that God has saved me for falling too hard for a man I’m not going to spend the rest of my life with. Thankful that I haven’t had the opportunity to overstep boundaries that I would later regret. But if we’re being totally honest, a bigger part of me struggles daily to see my value and worth; believing the lie that I am unlovable, undesirable, and not worthy of ever being pursued.
Not only has singleness brought up personal issues regarding my value and worth, it’s brought up some serious trust issues with God.
If God is good, why on earth would He allow me to have this desire if He is never going to fulfill it? I felt as if He was dangling this beautiful desire over top of my head and every time I reached up to grab it, He’d suddenly pull it away, yanking it out of my reach, chuckling while it happened. I began to think of God as a puppet master in the sky who was delighting in my pain and sadness. I got incredibly angry at God. I didn’t trust Him at all. I wanted nothing to do with Him. I almost walked away from Him completely.
For four months, I did nothing about it. I was angry and sad and confused. I was in one of the deepest depressions I’ve ever experienced. I was completely numb and going through the motions in every area of my life.
Thankfully though, God is so much bigger than I am. His grace truly is amazing. During this time of intense pain, sadness, and questioning, I was led to an amazing counselor by a friend, and we began to dive head-first into the mess. During the next several months, I cried more tears than I ever knew possible, but I also felt God’s grace, patience, and love more than I ever have. I began to see that even when I was so mad at Him and was ready to walk away from Him, He was gently pursuing me.
He never got mad. He never rolled His eyes at me. He was there the entire time, holding me, just patiently waiting for me to realize He loved me and He had never left me….And that He never would.
I wish that knowing those things would take away the pain that I regularly feel, but it doesn’t. I still desire to be a wife & a mom. I’m still sad that I am single at this point in my life. I cry a lot. And I’m learning that that’s okay.
Maybe you can’t relate to the struggle of singleness, but you’re fighting a different battle right now.
You and your husband are facing infertility. You’re watching a family member struggle with an addiction you’re not sure they will overcome. You just received the health diagnosis you were praying against.
I’ve been learning that this life is a battle, and every day I have to choose to FIGHT. I have to fight to believe the truth about who God says he is. I have to fight to believe that God is good even when circumstances are not. I have to fight to believe that He is still faithful even if my prayers are not being answered in the way that I would like.
God is good. And God is faithful. I am not promised a husband. I am not promised that I will ever hold my own baby in my arms. But… God is STILL good.
Although our battles look different on the outside, know today that you are NOT fighting this alone. It is so incredibly hard. It’s ridiculously painful. But it is so, so worth it.
Will you choose to fight with me today?
How can we be praying for you in the midst of the battle you’re walking through? Feel free to share in the comments below!